I am feeling really overwhelmed right now. Work is very stressful. I knew it would be this way, but it is really hitting me hard how delicate people are. Two nights ago I had one of my patients go bad. It was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. Watching someone gasping for air while their eyes roll into their head is unreal. Inside I was freaking the fuck out. and school sucks. i keep procrastinating and not doing my work. i feel frazzled and out of sorts.

tomorrow school begins. learning to insert iv's awaits me. i want to puke.

so, school starts on Monday and I am that much closer to completing nursing school. which i am not sure that i am completely happy about. It truly terrifies me that come may, i will have to take boards and enter my adult life. there's a part of me that wants to act like a toddler and temper tantrum this new reality away, but unfortunately I can't. Pretty much the whole break I have watched every movie that I intended to see and every television show on dvd that I wanted to finish. Here's the list: Into the wild, Atonement, Junox3, Sweeney Todd, P.S. I love you, Friday Night lights season 1, House M.D. season 3, Coupling Seasons 3 and 4. The standouts of the list are Juno and Friday Night lights. Atonement was awesome, just not as awesome as the book. Oh yeah, Friday night lights is simply amazing really only because I get to look at this every episode:


And matt, we had fun that one night listening to kind of crappy acoustic soft rock stuff at that one bar on that one street in belleville. and then erica you and I got drunk and watched arrested development and maya rudolph giving it her all singing the national anthem all the while we were laughing hysterically. that was a good night.

I am kind of in love with sebastian koch.

I went to go see In the land of women on friday with my little sister, and suprisingly I enjoyed it. I like the whole meg ryan/ adam brody scenario. The way he looked at her in every scene they were in together was amazing. anyway, i'm off to work.

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

So, I need to go to the depressing O'Fallon Library today to start the studying process to bring up my pitiful ob grade. Hopefully, my plan will work. who knows.

yesterday was a good day, I saw Erica for a moment at the library and I witnessed Matt's amazingness at track (horrible run-on sentence). Really man, I give you props ( and honestly, you didn't look janky at all).

Anyway, off my merry way I go.

I just got the grade for a test I took today. I got a 67% on it. I'm in OB right now, and this is a lot easier than med-surg. or so i though. i just fucked my grade up. in order to pass the class i will need a 76% in it, right now I have a 78%. what are my teachers going to think of me. ms.white is my clinical instructor and she was the one who wrote the test and now i am going to have to face her. i really am ashamed of my performance. I know why this happened. I have been socializing too much and watching too much tv instead of studying like i did last semester. I became complacent and this is my punishment. i really needed to get this off my chest, but i somehow don't feel better about it.

this is absolutely brilliant. Enjoy!

Thoughts? Opinions?

Netflix is really starting to get in the way of my studying, so is tv. I have watched "Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love" maybe 5 times. It is such a beautiful movie; it totally reinforces my love for Mira Nair. Which brings me to the fact that I can't wait for "The Namesake" to come to theaters already. I think it is in limited release, but it has not come to St.Louis, yet. By the way, thank you Lia for nudging me. I am glad to see that someone cares. I am feeling kind of manic right now due to the copious amounts of coffee I have consumed in the past couple of days. I took one of my finals today. It wasn't nearly as tough as I thought it would be(knock on wood). I can't wait for my teacher to post the grades, though. Good luck to all you guys taking finals!

I have doing netflix for the past couple of months and i am kind of disappointed with some of the movies i chose. I'll list all the really really shitty ones so that you never have to sit through them:

1)Wide Sargasso Sea: OMG, shitfest. That's what I'll call it. Now, I'm all for gratuitous sex scenes, but this movie just goes overboard with them.

2)Happiness: I rented it on a whim and didn't read the synopsis, but maybe I should have. It was described as a dark COMEDY. There was nothing comedic, only darkness. Lots and lots of darkness. The movie made me sick to my stomach. It reminded me of this Austrian film i saw called Boese Zellen (Free Radicals).

3)Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: Why I thought this might be slightly entertaining, I don't know. I stopped watching after 10 minutes. It really was sleep inducing.

Those are the only three shitty ones I can think of right now. go ahead and watch them. I dare you, but don't say I didn't warn you.

His name is mike and he's a betta fish.

So, I went to Arkansas and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The best part was Christmas dinner. We were all done eating and just chatting when we got on the subject of hunting and then it progressed into road kill. My grandpa started talking about the depression and how they would eat opossum (he pronounces the o), coon, squirrel, etc. He told my sister and me the best squirrel to eat is the red water squirrel because they live by the water and are fat. Then my dad started talking about opossum gigging and that when one gigs oneself a opossum that it starts to grin. My dad called it the death grin. I felt proud to be part Arkansan at that moment. *slowly brushes tear from eye*

I also got to know my grandpa's wife diane better. i was never too fond of her, but i have come to realize that she really is a good person. For x-mas i got the new kodak easy share camera. i think i have truly fallen in love. My sister got the o.c. first season on dvd and I think i have fallen in love with that show. the first season is so awesome and benjamin mckenzie is adorable and i can't wait to see junebug. and i am jumping from subject to subject but oh well.

 I got my aunt nirgendwo in afrika and bella martha on dvd. nowhere in africa is my favorite german movie of all time. and i was pleased that my aunt enjoyed it as well. I went to my aunt's house in a little town called knob a day before my mom dad and sister joined me.  it was cool to have peace and quiet and be in the wilderness.  i ended up taking a whole shit load of pictures of my aunt's boxer named pearl.  she is rupert's mother.  I'll post the pictures when i am feeling less lazy.

Hark the angels sing, this semester is finally over. I am pretty happy with my grades, but especially with the B in sociology I got. It was a MWF class and I usually only went on Wednesdays and I stopped studying after the second test. I am kind of disappointed in myself for not trying harder, but anatomy and physiology consumed me. I have never worked that hard for a class in my life, which by the way I got a B in. German and medical terminology were easy, so I was not worried about them.

I went to see Brokeback Mountain with Meg, Meghan, and Jenna on Sunday. What an effing amazing movie. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger were awesome, but I think Heath Ledger more so than Jake Gyllenhaal. Heath Ledger WAS Ennis Del Mar. There was no flicker of the actor Heath Ledger in his portrayal of Ennis Del Mar. That could be because Heath Ledger is a lot more private than other actors, so his true personality will never be known. I ordered wyoming stories from amazon.com and read brokeback mountain. I have not started on the other ones yet in the collection but I can't wait.

I still think one of the best movies I have seen lately is "Weatherman" Jared and I were on the floor laughing in the theater. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD.

Well, I am off to Arkansas to visit the relatives on the 24th. I am soo excited. Oh yeah I rented the jacket and ladies in lavender. The jacket reminded me of how hot adrien brody is, so i watched the sort of fairytale video with him in it over and over again. Ladies in lavender kind of sucked but Daniel Bruehl is in it. The only good part of the movie was when Daniel Bruehl would speak german and I could understand a lot of what he was saying!

I just want to say that it was amazing hanging out with everyone who came home. It really makes me realize how much I miss all the people I grew up with. Kudos to Tom and Meghan who I saw the most. It was awesome to see everyone and I can't wait for you all to come back for winter break. 

......


I miss you guys.

P.S. I am watching Oprah right now.  It is about a famous porn-addicted gospel singer.  What an oxymoron.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. (If you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up. Kidding!.... kind of.)

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Little things lately have been reminding me of people. Today, I was putting my work uniform in a plastic bag to take with me to school and I was spraying it with body mist so that it would not smell so offensive. Yes, I know that is gross, but it reminded me of watching Jared's ritual of getting ready when I worked at the theater. He would come in, put his uniform on, and actually poor cologne directly on his uniform and pat himself down. It was so funny. I love Jared. Then I put this glass bracelet on that Julia got for me a while ago, and I thought about the summer and all the people I hung with from high school because of her. If she hadn't called me to hang out all those times, I would have never gotten to hang out with them or experience them. I think in all, I feel really sentimental today, but in a good way. Not in that yearning for the past nostalgic way. I am oddly complacent.

Matt is coming to town this weekend. I am so excited, and I think I may go see Jarhead tonight. Maybe Jared is working and I'll get to see him.

This is thanks to meg.

Today in sociology we talked about ethnicity, and Dr.Smith took us to two genealogy websites. It was kind of cool to see where people came from. When I got home, I tried to look up my ancestors, but I could not find evidence of them on any of the sites. I was looking at my family tree and taking in all the names and how different sounding they were. On my dad's side the names that I found were Butler (duh), Lewis, East, McPike, Case, MacMurray, Knight, and Hunsaker. On my mom's side, I found Lawrie, Campbell, Sookdai, Griffith, Sebastian, Bernardino, and Brock. I have all these names, yet I can't find any info on any of their existences. I want to know my roots! I really want to go to Guyana and do research there, but that won't be for a long time due to monetary restrictions.